Suffering in Silence

Suffer in Silence.

When a threat is perceived, most animals—people included—will respond with one of the four “Fs”: Fight, Flight, Freeze, or Fawn. In the world of HOA Hells, we can see all four of these behaviors at work. Often, they are magnified by the extra layer of natural psychological reaction of Legal Abuse Syndrome. Unfortunately, all of this will play into an abusive HOA board’s hands as these behaviors are often unconscious on the part of residents, and the differing reactions only serve to divide a neighborhood. Three of the four Fs rely on silence to create protection, but silence does not always mean peace, and it can only encourage those who are the source of the threat.

Here's a look at each of these reactions in the context of HOAs:

Fight—When your civil request for clarification, reconsideration, presentation of contrary evidence and the like are ignored by a board who has accused you of a violation, you are rightfully angered and take action to wrest your rights back. This could be in the form of approaching the board and demanding that they hear you, posting your story on social media, engaging legal counsel, contributing to advocacy, writing to legislators, etc.

Flight—You pay any fines, justified or not, and pray they go away. You hide from the HOA and your community, you ignore what’s going on, and in the end, you may move to be rid of the whole situation.

Freeze—Similar to flight, you do nothing and do whatever you can not to draw attention to yourself.

Fawn—If you can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em. This is when you suck up to the board, approve of everything they do and say, and vocally support them so that you aren’t caught in their crosshairs.

The only choice that will make change is to fight.

Unfortunately, the only response that can actually serve to create change in a neighborhood and protect all residents is the “fight” response. And, of course, this doesn’t mean residents should resort to physical violence, but when an HOA board or member is willing to go beyond boundaries most people would not cross in order to assert their will, it must be matched equally. Most of us would never even consider fining their neighbors, particularly at the level some HOAs do, would never compound those fines, would never lien their home, and certainly would never consider any infraction worth taking a neighbor’s home, no matter how bad the violation. As discussed in Resident Evil HOA Lecture Number Three, “But I AM Napoleon ...,” there are certain personality types that not only are willing to do this but get pleasure from wielding excessive power. These are the personality types which have free reign on HOA boards, and when they take charge, it is with an iron fist. As most people are non-confrontational, residents will act with one of the other three Fs, and anyone who is willing to fight is left to fight on their own.

It takes everyone to stand up to a bully, and it takes everyone to fight for the neighborhood’s protection and peace.

If you step down from acting to correct or remove abusive HOA board members, you are part of the problem. We all have a responsibility to ourselves and our neighbors when we join these “clubs” that if the law, governing documents, or basic human decency are violated, we have the obligation as part of the group to act and correct the violation. And when neighbors stand up to legitimate abuse, the others should stand with them.

Doing nothing only encourages the abusers and makes the situation worse.

If someone in your neighborhood is suffering from unequal enforcement, if they have come on hard times and can’t quite keep up with their home or dues, if they are being targeted by a board or board member, if they are threatened with their home being taken and you do nothing, you are complicit in any acts against them.

The good news is that you have the power to make a change.

Connect with neighbors who feel the same way you do. Start a neighborhood advocacy group. Start educating neighbors about their rights, how you feel, share the evidence you have that what is being done is wrong and/or illegal, help everyone to understand the governing documents together so that you know what actions you can take. It’s not easy, but if enough people see that there is a group of others they can join, they will feel that safety in numbers.

For as complex as humans are, we are not that complicated.

Our basic needs include safety, and we find that in groups. A healthy HOA provides that kind of safety, which is the appeal of them for some people. And they can be wonderful. Given that there are little to no regulations to oversee boards and because they are largely self-governed, untrained, and are random volunteers, the possibility of mismanagement, abuse, negligence, or other horrors is too often realized. Once neighbors see others being attacked—just as when one member of a herd of deer is isolated and taken down by a pack of wolves—the others will be reticent to fight lest they be taken down, too. It's a basic rule of survival.

But we have the capability to rise above those base instincts.

We can be aware that these natural reactions exist and override them. We can recognize that what we are feeling and thinking is our brains engaging in survival mode in the face of a threat to our existence and override it. We can fight, not in the violent way, but in the organized, civil, legal way. And we all need each other to do it.

Until you do, you’ll never be safe.

If you do not, you may be safe for the moment, but you’ll always know the wolves will eventually get hungry again. And maybe next time they hunt, you won’t be so safe. When the wolves come for you and you cry for help, will anyone be willing to hear you?